A life update. Life has actually been getting tougher lately. I know that I am blessed to live in a beautiful country, have a loving family and have all my wants and needs met. I know all this. But small things seem to trigger even bigger things.
Last week someone whispered about their thighs were too close together. I immediately noticed that she was wayyyy skinnier than I was. And my body just automatically became all too conscious that really I should be the one who was concerned about my thighs.
That really bothered me.
I go around telling everyone I know that they are beautiful just the way they are and yet I can’t even seem to convince myself. I felt so much like a failure.
This was only the first thing that lead to a whole bunch of other OVERTHINKING.
See that small brain up there? That’s me. Inside that egg shaped head is a whole lot of insecurities and crazy nonsensical thoughts.
Like how I felt the whole class staring at me when I got the answer wrong in a lab. But really it was just one person.
Or the other time this week when I felt like everyone noticed me sitting alone when really I was just waiting for my friend to finish microwaving her lunch. I buried my head in my phone pretending to be oblivious to the whispers in my own head.
I try and I try but I just never seem to be able to have confidence in myself. Maybe thats why when this years School Musical audtions came around and I almost backed out.
Now, you may not be a musical person but you have got to know about all the friendships you can make when you are a part of a group right?
I wanted that connection. Something to look forward to.
Auditions came and I went through it. And something magical happened.
Something that broke the pattern of this week. I wasn’t that embarrassed little insignificant nobody waiting desperately for a friend to talk to me.
I was in the spotlight. A panel of teachers assessing my every move. I felt a surge of confidence. I broke down the walls and I came through.
The music ended and my acting was over. The crowds cheered in my head and I couldn’t stop smiling until that evening when my doubts crept in again.
“What if I don’t get the part?”
But after a long talk with my therapist AKA My incredible mother, I realised that it could be for the best.
If I get the part, great, I will be building my confidence.
If not, its not the end of the world, in fact it would challenge me to build my own confidence, to actually do my own work to improve my self esteem. I would have to work harder to prove myself to MYSELF.
So here I am. Today. Not completely sure what the future holds. Still awaiting that dreaded email where my name will be listed among a flock of people.
But getting the part will no longer will determine who I AM.
I came out of my anxiety and nervous overthinking this week a stronger person. I cannot wait to see what my future holds. Whether or not it is to my personal liking,
“I know I can pour my heart out and dance my way through this grand performance called life.”
UPDATE: Things didn’t go as planned, but luckily this post was scheduled to be posted so I am in a emotionally prepared place. Thank you for being a kind ear during tough times.